God...I'm Done with My Temper-Tantrum...

Yes…I admit it. I have been having a temper tantrum for the last several years. Yes, you read that right…years!

I have been angry with God for the past several years, and just within the past six months or so I’ve realized that I’m done with my temper tantrum and ready to move on.

What caused my temper-tantrum?

I will never forget the night I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior at Camp ID-RA-HA-JE. I was 12 years old and it was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever encountered in my life. However, I didn’t become serious about my walk with the Lord until I was around 23 years old. What an incredible relationship I had with HIM! He was truly my breath of life every morning and what sustained me every second of every day. I never knew such love, peace, and comfort that could bring me incredible joy and happiness. He was constantly by my side and my time with Him grew more and more incredible each day.

And then things changed.

About seven years ago, things got really tough. Our family experienced financial hardship, which in turn caused a domino effect of problems from finances to personal issues. At the time, I felt that my faith remained strong.

And then it happened.

It felt as if one day the Lord just decided to pack up His bags and hit the road and leave me frail and helpless in the middle of my crises. I can go back and read page after page in my journal - crying out to the Lord, begging Him to be near me again. I wasn't asking Him to deliver me from my physical afflictions- but to just let me feel His presence again. “Lord! Lord! Lord!” I’d cry out. “Where are you? I need you! I need you more than ever…I can’t do this without you…” and NOTHING. Where had my God gone? Where was He in my most desperate time of need? Doesn’t the Bible promise that if we call out to Him, that He will be there?

Little was I to know, that my quest for God and personal hardships had just begun…

I shared my struggles with a few very close friends, and they did their very best to comfort me and encourage me. They reminded me of God’s promises and spoke all the right “Christianese” to me, and my struggles seemed to get worse.

Being a Christian, I knew all the stuff I was supposed to do – read my Bible, pray, pray, pray, read my Bible some more, pray some more, seek Godly counsel, pray some more, read my Bible some more, etc. I did do those things for a while, and it seemed like the more I did them, the harder my struggles became. Finally my struggles took over and consumed me and I just stopped. I stopped seeking for my Lord because I couldn’t handle the rejection anymore. It seemed that everything I had read, everything I had been taught, everything I believed about God was a lie. Where was my Comforter, my Shepherd, the guy that was supposed to carry me through my hardships (Footprints)? I became bitter, angry, and questioned everything I had ever known about my faith. Was all of this really true? How come the church never told me about this part of my relationship with Christ? All I had ever heard was how great it was. I was confused, I felt the ultimate rejection, and NO ONE had any answers for me. Was I done with this thing called Christianity? Was God real? If He was, why had He allowed this to happen to me?

I had so many questions, NO answers, and no where to turn. I felt abandoned. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt frustrated. I felt fear. I felt hopeless. I felt defeated. I felt anger. I literally wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

*I look forward to sharing more with you in future blogs. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.