Life?

Plain and simple….life is hard. I never imagined that marriage would be so much work and raising children would be so intimidating. I envy those people who have discovered how to live a life full of joy, no matter their circumstances, and I dream of being that type of person… some day.


I often think that I was born in the wrong era. I long for a simpler life in simpler times. I long for the days when families all lived close to each other and good neighbors were a part of the family. Those days are long gone in our society.


It is funny to me that I am 40 years old and yet; I still have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know that I have four children to raise to the best of my ability and that I play a large role in how they live out the rest of their lives. I contemplate the mistakes I have made and wonder how those mistakes will impact them.


I wrestle with the demons from my past and I wonder if I will ever be set free from their grasp. I long for the simple things in life to bring me joy and complications to roll off my back.


In an earlier post I conveyed my struggles with love….what it means…what it doesn’t mean. I continue to wrestle with what true love is and how it portrays itself. I’m not convinced that mankind is capable of true love, and yet I find myself hopeful that we are.


I am definitely in a season of change, but what that change is I have no idea. I hate that life has become so complicated, but yet I am thankful for the opportunities that have come my way. Is this a part of what they call a mid-life crises. I don’t have a clue, and I laugh at the thought of it. (Is this where I get to go buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle?...Sounds good to me!)


I never in my wildest dreams thought that my life would end up as it has. As a teenage girl, I dreamed of the prince and princess relationship and the world of “happily ever after”. Now, as a woman of 40 years old, I realize that the land of “happily ever after” does not exist and that I was foolish to believe it in the first place. (Who is the cruel person behind this conspiracy?) Now that I have accepted where I am, I wonder what changes I can make to have a fulfilling and purposeful life. I want to make an impact on others. I want to be a source of encouragement and assistance to others. I want my life to reflect more than my selfish ambitions. I want my life to make a difference. I want my life to be about helping others and not about what I can accomplish for myself.


It is difficult to look outwards, when I have spent so many years looking inwards.