Calling ANY Angel

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels

I'm calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

-Song: Calling All Angels by Train

This song says so many different things in so many different ways to me right now.

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth…although I would have liked to. The month of September has been an extremely difficult month for me, and I’m trying to find my way back to some type of normalcy in my life (not sure that I had normalcy to begin with…)

First, our very close friends, that have been more than family to us, moved to Oklahoma. And while it was an incredible opportunity for them, it was devastating for me. Our families spent practically every weekend together and had established a lot of “traditions” together over the past 8 years. Their kids called my husband and me “Aunt & Uncle” and our kids called them “Aunt & Uncle”. They have been by our sides during some of the most difficult life experiences that we have had to endure, and I truly don’t know how I’m going to function without them here. I miss them terribly and I’m trying to put back together the broken pieces of my heart.

In addition, I slept an average of 2-3 hours a night for almost the entire month of September. I have not experienced sleeping problems before, so this was all new to me (when I get stressed out, I usually have nightmares and/or night terrors…not sleeping issues.) I finally went to see my doctor. First he doubled the dosage of my anti-depressants, but that only made the sleeping problems worse (he left me at the same dosage because it was helping me deal with all my other “issues”.) So, next he gave me some Ambien and put me on an additional anti-depressant called, Trazadone. Even though Trazodone is an anti-depressant, it is used mostly as a sleeping aid. I only take the Ambien when I am seriously sleep-deprived; however, I regularly take the Trazodone because I don’t sleep without it.

I’m not going to go into all my other “issues” at this point…but I do want to reflect on the song lyrics above. I can really relate to this song right now, but more on a personal level.

I need a sign to let me know you're here

I need some kind of sign…I’m not sure what or who that is…but I sure could use something at this point.

I need to know that things are gonna look up

I need some type of assurance that my life is going to work out and that there is something to hold on to.

'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

Basically, I just feel like I’m drowning period. It seems like every time I turn around lately, I’m getting slapped in the face about something.

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head

I truly feel that there is no where for me to turn for security or peace - no one to take care of me and no one to hold me up.

When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

It’s not the world that is shaking for me, it’s my foundation - everything that I have ever believed and everything that I have built my life upon is in question for me right now.

'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear

Really it’s my brain that keeps it all from being clear. I have such a desire to work through all the “crap” in my life and to be carefree and happy, but it seems like every time I really try I don’t have a clue as to how to “fix” it.

I want a reason for the way things have to be

Having some answers would really be helpful for me right now. So much has happened in the past few years that I don’t understand. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows…and there is so much that doesn’t make sense to me.

I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

I would just settle for a teacher and a guide to help me get through all of this. Not someone who is going to tell me to change my attitude and preach at me, but someone who genuinely cares about me and is sincere about understanding me and where I’m at and how to get through all of this.

And I'm calling all angels

I really could use an angel….

I'm calling all you angels

…or two…right now.

In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

This phrase just really hits me square in the face. How many times have I thought “well, if I just had this…or if this would just happen…I would be happy”. Honestly, I’m not sure I know what happiness is anymore.

I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

Just another cry out for any angel who is willing to help a lost soul….

Nice blog huh? I wish that I had inspiring “happy” things to write about, but that just isn’t the path that God has put me on for this part of my journey. I’m hoping that once I find my way out of this deep, dark, confusing, and frightening forest that God will put me on a path full of bright sunshine and beautiful fields of flowers.

In the meantime…click on the link below to enjoy “Calling All Angels” by Train.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAKF3_hCSNs

Happiness?

“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?”

If you have seen the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”, then you may be familiar with the above quote.

This quote really struck me, because for years now, I have been pondering “happiness”. It seems that the older I get the harder life seems to be, and I don’t think that is the way it is supposed to be. Is it possible to truly be happy in our society and culture now days?

Watch the following video from the end of the movie, and note Chris Gardner’s reaction.

(Note: Do not watch this or read the rest of this blog if you haven’t seen the movie and you don’t want to know what the ending is…although I’ve watched the movie three times, and it still strikes a chord in me every time.)



I've watched this video more times than I can count, and I truly cannot stop smiling every time I watch it. Did you notice how emotional Chris Gardner was when he was told that he got the job? I watch his eyes every single time...the fighting back of the tears, tells it all. I can only imagine the depth of emotion he was feeling at the particular moment. I also love it when he leaves the office and is walking in the crowd of people...it is impossible for him to contain himself. When is the last time I've accomplished something that has meant that much to me? It's been a long time.

I expressed to a friend of mine my pondering of the above quote and the ending of the movie and received a very wise response.

The response was:

“Keri, do you think that anyone who received that job would have been happy as Chris Gardner?”
“No.”
“Why not”
“Because they didn’t work as hard and it’ didn’t mean as much to them.”
“Exactly. It wasn’t the end result that made Chris Gardner happy. It was the journey that got him there that made him appreciate the end result much more than the average person and this is what brought him happiness.”

If you haven’t seen the movie, it is difficult to understand what Chris Gardner went through to receive the end result. The man went through hell and he kept fighting when the majority of us would have given up.

Happiness? What exactly is it?

Is Thomas Jefferson correct when he said the “pursuit of happiness” and not just “happiness”? Is it the actual pursuit that makes us happy? When things are just handed to us (whether it’s a position, money, lifestyle, material things, relationships) do we truly get to enjoy the happiness that comes with it?

Hard work, determination, persistence, more hard work, optimism, will power, and even more hard work…is that the key to happiness?

Edwin Markham, an American poet (1852-1940), puts it this way:

Happiness is a thing of here and now;
The bright leaf in the hand, the moment’s sun,
The fight accomplished or the summit won.

Note the first line "Happiness is a thing of here and now." Do we miss the "happiness" because we are so focused on the end result?

I like how Markham includes simple things in life in his definition of happiness. I also like Storm Jameson’s, an English writer (1891-1986), interpretation as well.

“It is an illusion to think that more comfort brings more happiness. True happiness comes of the capacity to think freely, to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to risk life, to be needed.”

Is true happiness summed up as easily as this?

"Happiness" isn't found in the end result..."Happiness" is found in the journey to accomplish the end result and the harder the journey...the more difficult it was to accomplish...may determine the amount of "Happiness" that is found.

What determines "Happiness" for you?