Good Bye 2009!

As I brushed the confetti from my hair, I watched each piece fall to the ground. I couldn’t help but think that each piece that fell was a piece of 2009 – floating to the ground - gone, gone, never to be experienced again. Each piece that shaped my life over the past year. It can’t be changed. It can’t be recaptured. It is what it is…and now it is gone.

I thought through the past year. A year of heartache. A year of healing. A year of understanding – understanding myself – understanding others – understanding situations and circumstances – a new understanding of God. I learned a lot this past year – lessons that I would have rather not endured, but knowing the significance of what they meant in my life.

At times, life molded me, and at other times, I molded life.

Was it a bad year? Was it a good year? I can’t really answer that. A year of situations that I would have rather done without, but a year of significant growth and discovery. I suppose that it is impossible to have one without the other. I have been stuck for so many years. Stuck in a land of darkness and defeat. I don’t want to live there anymore. It is too hard. It is too devastating. It is a prison - A prison that I built around myself and couldn’t escape from no matter how hard I tried, and even though I knew the path out, I couldn’t find my way. Frustrating and heart wrenching – knowing that I put myself there, but yet I couldn’t break free.

I never thought that I would be where I am at the age of 40. Life didn’t exactly turn out as I had dreamed. I learned a lot about myself this past year – hard lessons - lessons of heartache; lessons of endurance; lessons of struggle; lessons of triumph. Lessons that I thought I learned the first time around, but realized that I had so much more to learn.

What will 2010 bring me? I have no idea and I’m not brave enough to imagine….after all, whatever I come up with can be significantly changed in a blink of an eye. I know that I’m stronger. I know that I have more wisdom. I know that I’m more cautious than I have ever been, but also more open than I have ever been. I also know that life can throw me on my rear at any time and I must always be ready to have the strength to pick myself up and continue on no matter how treacherous the journey becomes.

As much as I would love to sit here and tell you that I know I will make it because God is on my side, I’m just not quite there yet. God continues to bless my baby steps as I take the long, hard journey back to Him. However, I still feel like Jacob when he wrestled with the angel of the Lord and refused to give up until the Lord blessed him. Yes, I still feel like I’m in a wrestling match with my Lord – holding on for dear life and refusing to give up the fight until I am back in His arms and ready to receive His blessing. I have a new appreciation for my God. My God who continues to hold on tightly to me as I struggle to receive His love and mercy. I am a rebellious child at best – but who continues to hold on to my Daddy, because I know that I will never make it without Him holding me in the palm of His hand. I don’t know how I would ever make it without His unconditional love and mercy. I certainly don’t deserve it and it is hard for me to fathom that He can still love me as He does.

Love. I think that “love” is the biggest lesson I learned this past year. Love is not what I thought it was. Love didn’t become the definition that I gave it many, many years ago. Love has taken on a new significance in my life and love is something that I will never take lightly ever again. Love – an emotion that truly only God can understand and something that mankind manipulates to our own liking to meet whatever need we have at the time. Love, an emotion that only God can give a true definition to, and yet, man will never fully understand until we get to heaven. Love, an emotion that can fill us with extreme levels of elation and extreme levels of heartache. Love is not what we have conjured up in our minds, but something so much more significant and meaningful. When we finally understand love, we finally understand God. I still have a lot of learning to do; however, at least I know what love isn’t. It’s a start.

2010. What will it bring? What will it mean? How will it shape my life? I don’t know; but, I know that this is the first time in a very long time that I’m not scared to face it. I know that I will put up the good fight instead of falling like a limp rag to the ground in defeat. I still have doubts. I still have fears. There are the days that I don’t know how I can make it one more minute. Life can be so hard. It can overwhelm us. It can defeat us if we let it. There are times that I gave up. There are times that I fought and lost. There are times that I wondered what in the hell I was doing on this earth. There were times that I wondered why God ever let me be born in the first place.

I am a wounded and tired soul, with battle scars that will always be reminders of the hardships that I have endured. But, it is up to me to decide what I will do with those scars and how I will let them shape my future. I am the one that shapes my destiny. I am the one who is responsible for how my journey ends. I know that I will never make it without following my captain’s (God) orders – but yet I still try to fight Him. Lucky for me He has the patience to let me make my mistakes and still hold me in His arms when I am beaten up and defeated by my own doing.

Life is never what we thought it would be, but I suppose there is a certain beauty in that. What fun would it be if everything went exactly as we thought?

I swept up the confetti and threw it in the trash. Good bye 2009.

Welcome 2010 - whatever you may bring. I look forward to a year of learning, triumphs and failures, but yet still learning how to find the joy in it all.